Who Are You When Nobody Is Telling You Who To Be?

I have recently been reflecting on a conversation I had with a close relative. When discussing her concerns about work, she stopped suddenly and said, "I don't know who I am." She looked defeated as she said it, demonstrating a human truth. Pretending to be somebody you are not is exhausting.

Loss of identity is wildly common. As Shakespeare said, " all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." We are all conditioned early on to act certain ways. "Be a good girl.” "This is so unlike you.” "You're embarrassing me.” These are a few examples of rigid social expectations which seep in before we are old enough to question them.

When factors such as abuse, racism, religious control, or ableism (to name a few examples) come into play, the loss of identity is more pronounced. Bit by bit we compromise who we are until parts of ourselves become buried, because we learn that acceptance means safety. If you've spent years learning that certain parts of yourself lead to rejection, criticism or punishment, it makes sense that you'd hide those parts.

The difficulty comes when the environment changes, but the hiding continues.

If somebody asks who you are, how do you answer? Perhaps you say you are a parent, a teacher, a brother, or a carer. The interesting thing here is that these things are roles, not identities.

Identity is quieter than that.

Philosophers and psychologists will argue until they're blue in the face about what constitutes identity. My own take is that our identity is who remains once we strip away the expectations and judgements of others. It is our preferences, our values, our passions, and our beliefs. It is the way we experience ourselves when unencumbered by the feedback we’ve absorbed over our lives.

I see identity work in therapy to be less about finding ourselves, and more about remembering ourselves. Our authentic self is not lost. It is simply blurred by the messages we internalise over our lifetimes as we embody them and wear them like ill-fitting trousers.

The goal isn't to suddenly re-discover yourself, but to allow yourself to be curious. My therapeutic approach aims to create an environment where you can explore your different aspects without judgement or expectation. If you're in a therapeutic relationship where you're not impeded by the standards of somebody else, who emerges?